Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
