I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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