I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
