My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
