i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
