someone owes me an orgasm
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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