I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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