No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
don't judge my taste in strippers
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
