I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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