I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
