if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
