If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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