I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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