Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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