you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
