Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
