i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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