drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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