It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
