I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
