I think my fart just growled at me.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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