If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
