Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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