why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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