my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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