Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
