I need to stop coming to work sober
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
