What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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