I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
