If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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