Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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