The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
