I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
