A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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