i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
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