Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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