she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
