My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
