how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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