you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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