In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
it was like eating out sand paper
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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