apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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