I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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