Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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