omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
