forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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