I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
