Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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