we have pet lesbian snakes
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
