dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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